Speaking At Full Speed

At work, there used to be a guy who was very outgoing. If I hadn't already nicknamed a guy in college Overly Enthusiastic Mark, this guy would have gotten that appellation. He liked talking to people; his frequent laugh would echo raucously over the cubicle forest; he seemed happy.

That changed.

Over time, he gradually got quieter. His laugh didn't echo around the office area. His hands didn't gesture as widely when he talked. And then he left for another job.

The other day I happened across an AIM conversation I had three years ago and which I didn't remember. More importantly, I didn't recognize my own writing. It was witty, pithy, insightful. The me from back then greatly entertained the me from now. But I don't talk like that now. With that certainty, confidence, intelligence.

What the hell happened?

Part of the reason might be that with that particular friend I decided initially to hold nothing back. To immediately shoot down his stupid ideas, not even bother to entertain them. To give my opinion unabashedly, defend my position. "No, you can't wear red shoes with your interview suit, you'll look like Ronald McDonald." "Giving your girlfriend a RockBand action figure as a gift, while fun, says 'we're not serious!' exclamation point included."

But more, I worry I've changed. Have the constant pressures of being polite and PC at work and church repressed me? Is this the price I pay for the improved social skills I've gained from those environments - a loss of myself? That the socially acceptable me isn't really me?

When I was a senior in high school I was frustrated with writing a PC, smarmy, self-aggrandizing college essay and drafted what would be an honest, accurate description of myself.

I'm a weird little nerd who plays trombone, actually has a moral compass, is too mature for her age and her friends, enjoys spending time alone and playing on the computer, sews, knits, cooks, and bakes because she's fifty years behind today's modern woman, who no one understands because I use big words and say what I think.

I think I'm just revisiting that last clause. I want to speak at full speed again.